I was watching Blended, and I broke down because I miss my family so much. So, this is what homesickness feels like. It’s weird having to feel this way when I’m not out of the country..yet. I couldn’t imagine what will become of me once I go on that journey.
I’ve been living alone for a month now and I didn’t know I could feel this certain kind of loneliness. I miss the littlest things such as eating together for dinner. I miss their presence. I miss even how much my mama would nag at me. I miss fighting with her, can you believe that? I miss my papa so much especially when I ask him to buy for something to eat (because I rarely go out of the house). I miss my siblings and how much we fake-fight (if there is such a word) to piss our parents off — which eventually leads to a real fight. I miss our dogs. I just really really miss home right now.
It’s true, no matter how cliché it sounds. You only appreciate something when it’s taken away from you. Counting the days till I can finally see everyone again!
I am having a case of life-envy right now no thanks to Instagram. You know how they say life always seems to appear perfect on social media? Yes, I know that too but still I feel some twinge of envy over here.
People (mostly females) I follow on Instagram are not what you would usually call the basic bitch/cookie-cutter that’s made to stay at home to make a sandwich. I know the last one’s being fascist but I just want to prove a point. They are succesful in their field —most of them being artists. They travel a lot and are almost always on the go at making new memories and experiences, may it be through travelling or learning a new skill. I live vicariously through their posts.
But it made me think..how about living vicariously through my own posts? I mean, how about I live my life according to how I wanted it to be? I know there are limitations but these are just walls I put around myself. For every opportunity are a handful of reasons why I should not pursue. So I better not think of a single excuse or it’ll be all downhill from there. From here on out, I vow to make the most out of my youth (and my life). I may not be able to travel to the scenic spots appearing on my Instagram feed on a whim, but I will take the road and start my own adventure.
I was listening to my brother’s conversation with his ex-girlfriend who wanted to get back with him. Judging from his response (and occasional side remarks), the girl is pleading. It dawned on me that I will not be the type who’ll beg to be a part of someone’s life if he clearly states that he doesn’t want me in it. I find it so..demeaning. It’s like I’ve lost respect for myself by actually begging someone to love me or maybe it’s just my pride talking. But honestly, I will not plead even if I like you so much because I’ll respect your decision even if it hurts. I am not saying this with finality because we will never know what may happen but for now, I can’t think of anyone who will make me do it. If you don’t want me, fine.
Warm Bodies has one of the most amazing movie sountracks. I was listening to it the whole day today.
Hey, I miss writing here. I guess I wasn’t at all that bothered/sad/confused/*other intense emotions* to remember writing my feelings down. For the sake of my own reminiscing (as I’m pretty sure I’d read this again at some point), I’d do a “life recap”.
I went back to Cebu end of March for dental appointments and a hopeful revival of my nursing career. A lot of dead air and uneventful days in between but at least I’d get to visit the beach whenever I want to because I am currently staying in Lilo-an with my Aunt G. Well the downside is that I gained the weight I lost over my month-long Insanity program (just two weeks really) and I had a lot, and I mean a lot, of insect bites. Towards second week of April, I already longed to go back home to Manila and sleep in my own room. I am also excited to start baking because I decided that I’ll buy a convection oven. I also have plans of selling baked goodies but that’s looking ahead. Also, I want to sell ice candy! I have been obssessing on putting up a business to increase cash flow which had me saving for a capital like crazy. And then there’s the Baguio-Ilocos trip which is for my birthday. It’s what I’m really excited about. I decided to go on a trip every year for my birthday. I hope I can commit to that.
I guess, that’s all. Will try to do another post sometime soon. Not that anyone would care hehe.
Life is a series of broken relationships at this point. It’s so hard to deal when that one person who you considered to be your bestest friend grows apart from you not because of individual differences but because of family. My bestest friend is my aunt. I tell her everything and I’d like to believe that she understands me even if I don’t say anything. Unfortunately her husband is the biggest jerk in the world. A philandering jerk who doesn’t have a sense of responsibility. A person who doesn’t know what a husband and father means. He is who I blame for this strained relationship with my aunt. While it’s unfair to blame everything to him, I still do it because I don’t feel an ounce of positive emotions towards him. As far as I’m concerned, he’s dead to me. My strained relationship with my bestest friend is sad but what’s worse is that my relationship with my cousins who I love very much will be sacrificed as well. These are kids and I treat them like my siblings. Because of the hate I harbored towards their father, I don’t give them the same affection (and gifts) that I used to give. It’s hard because I love them but adulthood gets in the way. I honestly hope that someone knocks some sense into my aunt and leave his good-for-nothing husband. We’d be more than willing to welcome them into our home because they are family. I just want his husband out of their lives because he is pulling them down.
I must truly be a lonely person because I seem to feel bad when the people that matter “neglect” me even just for a while. To justify, I’ll say that I am possessive but if we are to look beyond that, I have to admit that I am lonely. It’s not bad actually when I get hold of myself and realize that life doesn’t revolve on me and these people have other priorities, albeit not me.